P.S. I can't hear my feet
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
