so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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