and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
