my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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