The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
it was like having sex with a tree stump
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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