Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
