I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I think people are normalizing furries
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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