I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
