We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
