Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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