Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
