Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
