You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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