When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
and you fell through a lawn chair
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