why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
