Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
