I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
this must be what syphilis tastes like
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Randomize
