Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
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