You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
