god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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