...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
