Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
