I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
