When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
