I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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