you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
