I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
