I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
