I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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