Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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