apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
he high fived his dick after we had sex
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
