I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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