Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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