Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
