does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
