We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
