Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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