I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
