I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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