I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
