I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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