I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
