question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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