just survived the first fart of the relationship.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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