Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
i out mim tonsoeep
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
