Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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