just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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