the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
a search helicopter?!
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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