She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
