is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize