i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
