I am spending my child support on dildos
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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