Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
